A Note to You

Hi, you.

I don't know when we will meet, ...or if we should ever meet.

I hope we will. Soon.

I have waited, and would probably wait a thousand years if need be, if I knew you would be there at the end of the thousand years and the beginning of forever, if I had an eternity to spend.

But I do not.

Time passes, and I age. So I hope we do meet, and meet soon. I used to half-jokingly say that I'd like to meet you before I die, but I'm gonna be more selfish now; I want to meet you and spend the majority of my life with you.

I am feeling a little lost and lonely today. Place a feather on a branch everyday and one day, the branch will break.

One of my branches broke today.

I came back to broken pairings. I saw seemingly stable relationships end suddenly. I saw how painful it can be when one loves the other, and the other does not; was indifferent, even. I saw a couple share special, secret smiles with one another, while holding hands. I was with a group, but not part of, a group.

I saw what Love offers; in one hand, joy, and the other, pain.

I am afraid of pain.

There was a question once posed to me: To have loved and lost, or not to love at all?
I chose the latter; am I truly living it now?

This, yet again, scares me. Sure, I can put on a brave face, and scoff, 'I can always find friends' 'I can always adopt, be it children or pets' 'Love isn't everything'

But there will always be those moments, those silvers of time when you feel unbearably lonely, and unbearably sad, unbearably jealous, and unbearably lost till you want to curl up in a hole and cry. When the thought of 'Why me? Why not me?' weighs heavy on your mind, and you will feel that you are worthless and ugly and unwanted and this makes you want to retreat somewhere far away, and shun all contact. Forever.

I know this. I have been there, and it is a dark, dark moment where dreams turn into mocking shadows that you want to run from, but never seem to.

I also know these moments do not last. They will come, creep up on you and swallow you, but you will crawl out of its belly, one way or another. You just will, you just have to.

Such is life.

So, to help ease the gloom, shake off this funk I seem to have fallen into (yet again), I write this letter to you, ashke.

Hello.
I do not know you yet, but I hope I will come to know and love you, and you would for me too.
I will not ask for the sun and the moon from you, for I know you are just human. But you are a very special and dear person to me, and I hope to share the stars with you.
I will not ask for perfection, be it in temper, face, or abilities, for I want an equal and I certainly am not perfect. I will ask for a sweet temper, for I can be a trial on some days. For this, I promise to try and sweeten my own temper, when yours is frayed or cloudy. I want a partner who will be able to work with me, to be able to wholly contribute and accept my contributions to whatever task or challenge we may face, together, be it raising a platoon of monsters(children) to paying the bills to doing the laundry. For this, I promise to do the same. I ask for a comely face, superficial as it may seem, but reasonable for that is what I will be facing for the rest of my life. For my part, I am no beauty, but neither am I a crone.
Most important, is that you will be able to love me, as I love you. To accept who I am, all the shiny surfaces and rough spots and sharp edges and missing pieces. To Truly Love me, as time passes, and I change and age, lose my youth, push your buttons once too much sometimes, and as the famous oath goes, 'in sickness and in health'. An Enduring Love, that is what I hope from you, and from me to you, as well. I pray that I will Truly Love you too, to develop an Enduring Love for you, that will let me grow old with you, and die with you.
An idealistic love, romantic even, but this is what I hope for. This is what I search for.
So ashke, I do not know you yet, but I hope I will come to know and love you, and pray that you would for me too.
Sincerely,
Me.