I realise I've been pushing myself hard these couple of weeks. So hard, I almost fell sick again. I did not realize why I felt this need to. Now I think it was a subconscious reflex.
Keep busy. Keep pushing on.
Shut it out.
I was in a daze.
...part of me still am. I think.
Initially, came the flooding grief and sadness. I cried.
I still cry... behind this smile I wear. For what else can I do?
Some look at me and I see them pity me. Please, I don't want your pity.
Some look at me and they cried for me. I am touched, truly; but you don't have to. Thank you.
... and most look at me and I see the confusion in their eyes.
"...you seem to be coping well." one said to me.
I only smiled.
Tell me. What could or can I do, but smile?
It's hard. During those brief snatches of time, those lulls and in-between moments during the day when you're during something trivial and your mind wanders, I always feel a stab.
When I walk down the stairs on my way home.
When I sit in front of the TV, without registering what is playing.
When I listen to my mates discuss their graduation dates.
When I just... breathe.
But it's the only way I can describe it.
It feels like a stab, where your chest goes hollow and you feel like you're crying or bleeding inside. Your mind blanks like white noise and something heavy drifts over your head, like a cloud blocking the sunlight. You feel small, unworthy. You feel like you want to cry, but yet you're too tired to, don't want to.
I felt alone.
Alone... and so lost. So tired. So unbearably sad.
I have cried. I have poured out my feelings. I have never done that before. I don't want to any more. I feel like I'm burdening people. Depending on them. I don't want to.
I'm supposed to save them, dammit.
So I won't care about how some will perceive me. I won't care how big a spanner I'd be in their works. I used to worry, that my being too keen will cast a bad light on the others. But recently I realised; it's them who choose to leave early, to not come for tutorials, to not come. It's them who are messing with the others so to ensure they don't stand out when they cut or not come.
As they want. As they feel like it. As it suits them.
It is difficult to organise tutorials; to set everything up and then try to rally everyone. What frustrates and angers me is when they decide flippantly not to come for no good reason. If you truly cannot come, I understand. It's optional and no one can be expected be available 24/7. Alright, you say you've got commitments, I'll give you that. If that's your situation, deal with it; so you can't come. Okay. Don't bitch to me that it's too late and why can't it be earlier for your convenience. I don't intentionally set it to be late y'know; and neither does the tutor. He/she is eyebrow-deep in work already yet willing to sacrifice some time to teach. One should be super grateful already... not bitching about it being too late. And this is a full-time course; your part-time work/family commitments are your own mess to deal with. Harsh, but I'm done bending over backwards and inconveniencing myself for people like you. To have done the legwork and have the tutor waiting and getting only a couple to teach... it's downright disappointing. I feel bad and guilty as the organizer to have tutorials of near no-shows involving such a fantastic, willing tutor.
And so what if you've completed that particular task in your list; what harm's a little revision? So you limit your learning to the set tasklist they gave you? Have you no curiosity? No eagerness to learn more?
I don't understand. I think it's a freaking bloody fascinating field.
But hey. Maybe that's just me.
Recently, we had another tutorial with the same tutor. More people showed up this time (A wonder!). This would've been, easily my 6th or more teaching session with him. And I came, specifically for it, as I was based elsewhere that day. After the tutorial, with a self-satisified, we-share-a-secret, smug smile, one of the others said 'That was good. I'm going to come for his tutorials now."
Isn't that what I've been telling you all this time? Seriously. I don't know why, but I just got very miffed off. Don't look so smug. You already missed like a dozen of his other awesome teaching sessions.
Well. What else to do but roll your eyes and shake your head.
I got really angry just now. I was going to rant about something else, but got kinda sidetracked into this peeve; which did contribute to this anger.
I'm a little burned out now. So I will save that rant on the main thing that got me this worked up for another day. For it deserves a long, heart-felt angry recital.
Till then, I might be spending extra hours, after hours or even weekends showing up where I don't have to.
As I like it. As I want to.
Call me crazy. Call me a no-life.
But I guess this is the best step I can take right now to deal with this emotional knot my life's been recently.