Storm

I don't know why I can get so irritable so easily lately.

Maybe I'm like my mum; I store and store and store all the annoyance and anger until the last hurled rock breaks the brittle surface. Then it's no more quarters given, it will never be the same, and I will never never ever let you come closer into my life.

Maybe that might change, that I might soften, and we might be the same old again. One day, if you change, if you realized, if you stopped annoying me.

But not now. Never now.

I feel like something has ...broken, inside me. Something has fled.

My rose-tinted glasses shattered, and now I see the world differently.

Give it back. I feel uncomfortable and unhappy. Alone, of sorts.

If this is what you call growing up, I might not want to. But Life, ....she is many things, I guess. Like what I read in a book once, though it was describing the sea, I think it can apply to Life too.

"She gives, and she takes away. She is a fickle mistress, both cruel and kind, gentle and harsh, loving and hateful."

I feel old. Old, and contaminated, somehow. Words I never would have uttered, harsh, hard feelings I never would have felt... I've heard myself say words like those and caught myself venting out those feelings that I never did have before.

It hurts. It saddens me. I don't know why. I never knew I cared so much. Too much, perhaps. And how little some did.

"When you meet a person, do not expect him or her to earn your respect; it is so great that it must be earned? Give it to them freely, until they prove themselves unworthy of it."

I agree.

And so I pull back my respect, as a friend, for you.

"Treat others as you want others to treat you."

I agree.

You tossed me aside. My friendship. Just like that. That hurt me. Proves how much I mean to you. Not much. And you hurt a dear friend of mine. That made me truly look at you and I find you lacking. So now,
I. Toss. You.
Harsh, but I find it too exhausting and draining for me. Frankly, you're not worth it either.

"When you hate a person, it shows you still care. Indifference works much better."

I agree.

So now, I will not give another extra hoot for you, not more than mere acquaintances. I will not lower myself anymore just to give in to you. I will not waste my breath trying to talk to you and try to entangle this snarled mess; why bother? I've said things like this before but you didn't get it. I'm pissed and frustrated and filled to the brim and I cannot take it anymore.

So, so long sucker. And no thanks for all the grief you caused me.

I'll be stronger now. I have to venture out now, and throttle my fear. Won't let no one run roughshod over me. Even if they do, not without losing an arm. And both legs.

Maybe that's what kept me so cooped up, so chained.

Fear of being alone. Fear of the unknown. Fear.

Won't wait for my knight anymore, tardy as he is. (He and I are going to have words about his punctuality when we meet, trust me.)

So I'll not declare anything grand or glorious. Heaven knows how 'successful' I am at changing myself.

I know I'll never be the social butterfly not do I want to, but I'm setting out to find those rare and few jewels among the many precious stones out there, who I can call my closest heart-sibs. Those, along with my family, I'll keep close to my heart, and hopefully, along with a perfect one I can call my ashke.

Sigh. I needed that rant.