Knot

I think I'm still in shock.

I realise I've been pushing myself hard these couple of weeks. So hard, I almost fell sick again. I did not realize why I felt this need to. Now I think it was a subconscious reflex.

Keep busy. Keep pushing on. 

Shut it out. 

I was in a daze.

...part of me still am. I think.

Initially, came the flooding grief and sadness. I cried.

I cried.

I still cry... behind this smile I wear. For what else can I do?

Some look at me and I see them pity me. Please, I don't want your pity.
Some look at me and they cried for me. I am touched, truly; but you don't have to. Thank you.
... and most look at me and I see the confusion in their eyes.

"...you seem to be coping well." one said to me. 

I only smiled. 

Tell me. What could or can I do, but smile?

It's hard. During those brief snatches of time, those lulls and in-between moments during the day when you're during something trivial and your mind wanders, I always feel a stab.

When I walk down the stairs on my way home.
When I sit in front of the TV, without registering what is playing.
When I listen to my mates discuss their graduation dates.
When I just... breathe.

Sound melodramatic.

But it's the only way I can describe it.

It feels like a stab, where your chest goes hollow and you feel like you're crying or bleeding inside. Your mind blanks like white noise and something heavy drifts over your head, like a cloud blocking the sunlight. You feel small, unworthy. You feel like you want to cry, but yet you're too tired to, don't want to.

I felt alone.

Alone... and so lost. So tired. So unbearably sad.

I have cried. I have poured out my feelings. I have never done that before. I don't want to any more. I feel like I'm burdening people. Depending on them. I don't want to.

I'm supposed to save them, dammit.

I'm pushing on. Like pushing a blade further, deeper; I'm continuing, although I know it means nought to Them. This is for me.

For me. 

So I won't care about how some will perceive me. I won't care how big a spanner I'd be in their works. I used to worry, that my being too keen will cast a bad light on the others. But recently I realised; it's them who choose to leave early, to not come for tutorials, to not come. It's them who are messing with the others so to ensure they don't stand out when they cut or not come.

As they want. As they feel like it. As it suits them.

It is difficult to organise tutorials; to set everything up and then try to rally everyone. What frustrates and angers me is when they decide flippantly not to come for no good reason. If you truly cannot come, I understand. It's optional and no one can be expected be available 24/7. Alright, you say you've got commitments, I'll give you that. If that's your situation, deal with it; so you can't come. Okay. Don't bitch to me that it's too late and why can't it be earlier for your convenience. I don't intentionally set it to be late y'know; and neither does the tutor. He/she is eyebrow-deep in work already yet willing to sacrifice some time to teach. One should be super grateful already... not bitching about it being too late. And this is a full-time course; your part-time work/family commitments are your own mess to deal with. Harsh, but I'm done bending over backwards and inconveniencing myself for people like you. To have done the legwork and have the tutor waiting and getting only a couple to teach... it's downright disappointing. I feel bad and guilty as the organizer to have tutorials of near no-shows involving such a fantastic, willing tutor.
And so what if you've completed that particular task in your list; what harm's a little revision? So you limit your learning to the set tasklist they gave you? Have you no curiosity? No eagerness to learn more?

I don't understand. I think it's a freaking bloody fascinating field.

But hey. Maybe that's just me.

Recently, we had another tutorial with the same tutor. More people showed up this time (A wonder!). This would've been, easily my 6th or more teaching session with him. And I came, specifically for it, as I was based elsewhere that day. After the tutorial, with a self-satisified, we-share-a-secret, smug smile, one of the others said 'That was good. I'm going to come for his tutorials now."

Oh really? 

Isn't that what I've been telling you all this time? Seriously. I don't know why, but I just got very miffed off. Don't look so smug. You already missed like a dozen of his other awesome teaching sessions.

Well. What else to do but roll your eyes and shake your head.

***

I got really angry just now. I was going to rant about something else, but got kinda sidetracked into this peeve; which did contribute to this anger.

I'm a little burned out now. So I will save that rant on the main thing that got me this worked up for another day. For it deserves a long, heart-felt angry recital.

Till then, I might be spending extra hours, after hours or even weekends showing up where I don't have to.

As I like it. As I want to.

Call me crazy. Call me a no-life.

But I guess this is the best step I can take right now to deal with this emotional knot my life's been recently.

Rock Bottom

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

that's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Unhappy and upset is an understatement. 

I'm just so, so... tired. 

F* it all.

Souka

Unexpected.
I think I kinda liked it.

A Note to You

Hi, you.

I don't know when we will meet, ...or if we should ever meet.

I hope we will. Soon.

I have waited, and would probably wait a thousand years if need be, if I knew you would be there at the end of the thousand years and the beginning of forever, if I had an eternity to spend.

But I do not.

Time passes, and I age. So I hope we do meet, and meet soon. I used to half-jokingly say that I'd like to meet you before I die, but I'm gonna be more selfish now; I want to meet you and spend the majority of my life with you.

I am feeling a little lost and lonely today. Place a feather on a branch everyday and one day, the branch will break.

One of my branches broke today.

I came back to broken pairings. I saw seemingly stable relationships end suddenly. I saw how painful it can be when one loves the other, and the other does not; was indifferent, even. I saw a couple share special, secret smiles with one another, while holding hands. I was with a group, but not part of, a group.

I saw what Love offers; in one hand, joy, and the other, pain.

I am afraid of pain.

There was a question once posed to me: To have loved and lost, or not to love at all?
I chose the latter; am I truly living it now?

This, yet again, scares me. Sure, I can put on a brave face, and scoff, 'I can always find friends' 'I can always adopt, be it children or pets' 'Love isn't everything'

But there will always be those moments, those silvers of time when you feel unbearably lonely, and unbearably sad, unbearably jealous, and unbearably lost till you want to curl up in a hole and cry. When the thought of 'Why me? Why not me?' weighs heavy on your mind, and you will feel that you are worthless and ugly and unwanted and this makes you want to retreat somewhere far away, and shun all contact. Forever.

I know this. I have been there, and it is a dark, dark moment where dreams turn into mocking shadows that you want to run from, but never seem to.

I also know these moments do not last. They will come, creep up on you and swallow you, but you will crawl out of its belly, one way or another. You just will, you just have to.

Such is life.

So, to help ease the gloom, shake off this funk I seem to have fallen into (yet again), I write this letter to you, ashke.

Hello.
I do not know you yet, but I hope I will come to know and love you, and you would for me too.
I will not ask for the sun and the moon from you, for I know you are just human. But you are a very special and dear person to me, and I hope to share the stars with you.
I will not ask for perfection, be it in temper, face, or abilities, for I want an equal and I certainly am not perfect. I will ask for a sweet temper, for I can be a trial on some days. For this, I promise to try and sweeten my own temper, when yours is frayed or cloudy. I want a partner who will be able to work with me, to be able to wholly contribute and accept my contributions to whatever task or challenge we may face, together, be it raising a platoon of monsters(children) to paying the bills to doing the laundry. For this, I promise to do the same. I ask for a comely face, superficial as it may seem, but reasonable for that is what I will be facing for the rest of my life. For my part, I am no beauty, but neither am I a crone.
Most important, is that you will be able to love me, as I love you. To accept who I am, all the shiny surfaces and rough spots and sharp edges and missing pieces. To Truly Love me, as time passes, and I change and age, lose my youth, push your buttons once too much sometimes, and as the famous oath goes, 'in sickness and in health'. An Enduring Love, that is what I hope from you, and from me to you, as well. I pray that I will Truly Love you too, to develop an Enduring Love for you, that will let me grow old with you, and die with you.
An idealistic love, romantic even, but this is what I hope for. This is what I search for.
So ashke, I do not know you yet, but I hope I will come to know and love you, and pray that you would for me too.
Sincerely,
Me.