Storm

I don't know why I can get so irritable so easily lately.

Maybe I'm like my mum; I store and store and store all the annoyance and anger until the last hurled rock breaks the brittle surface. Then it's no more quarters given, it will never be the same, and I will never never ever let you come closer into my life.

Maybe that might change, that I might soften, and we might be the same old again. One day, if you change, if you realized, if you stopped annoying me.

But not now. Never now.

I feel like something has ...broken, inside me. Something has fled.

My rose-tinted glasses shattered, and now I see the world differently.

Give it back. I feel uncomfortable and unhappy. Alone, of sorts.

If this is what you call growing up, I might not want to. But Life, ....she is many things, I guess. Like what I read in a book once, though it was describing the sea, I think it can apply to Life too.

"She gives, and she takes away. She is a fickle mistress, both cruel and kind, gentle and harsh, loving and hateful."

I feel old. Old, and contaminated, somehow. Words I never would have uttered, harsh, hard feelings I never would have felt... I've heard myself say words like those and caught myself venting out those feelings that I never did have before.

It hurts. It saddens me. I don't know why. I never knew I cared so much. Too much, perhaps. And how little some did.

"When you meet a person, do not expect him or her to earn your respect; it is so great that it must be earned? Give it to them freely, until they prove themselves unworthy of it."

I agree.

And so I pull back my respect, as a friend, for you.

"Treat others as you want others to treat you."

I agree.

You tossed me aside. My friendship. Just like that. That hurt me. Proves how much I mean to you. Not much. And you hurt a dear friend of mine. That made me truly look at you and I find you lacking. So now,
I. Toss. You.
Harsh, but I find it too exhausting and draining for me. Frankly, you're not worth it either.

"When you hate a person, it shows you still care. Indifference works much better."

I agree.

So now, I will not give another extra hoot for you, not more than mere acquaintances. I will not lower myself anymore just to give in to you. I will not waste my breath trying to talk to you and try to entangle this snarled mess; why bother? I've said things like this before but you didn't get it. I'm pissed and frustrated and filled to the brim and I cannot take it anymore.

So, so long sucker. And no thanks for all the grief you caused me.

I'll be stronger now. I have to venture out now, and throttle my fear. Won't let no one run roughshod over me. Even if they do, not without losing an arm. And both legs.

Maybe that's what kept me so cooped up, so chained.

Fear of being alone. Fear of the unknown. Fear.

Won't wait for my knight anymore, tardy as he is. (He and I are going to have words about his punctuality when we meet, trust me.)

So I'll not declare anything grand or glorious. Heaven knows how 'successful' I am at changing myself.

I know I'll never be the social butterfly not do I want to, but I'm setting out to find those rare and few jewels among the many precious stones out there, who I can call my closest heart-sibs. Those, along with my family, I'll keep close to my heart, and hopefully, along with a perfect one I can call my ashke.

Sigh. I needed that rant.

Data, data, data

Inputing data collected from the surveys is boring, tedious and extremely frustrating.

Especially when your eyes feel like packed sand and your head weighted with a bag of lead.


I know.

I'm living it now.

Survey-ing

I had to go house to house today asking ppl 50+ questions about their family, house, and breastfeeding practises.

I will never abuse those survey ppl ever again. I respect and symphatize with that lot.

Imagine:

1) you look at the 50+ questions you need to ask ppl who you have to knock loudly on their doors to interrupt them in whatever they were doing and pray despairingly that they won't throw dirty water at you once they answer the door.

2) you arrive at the designated site, where it's unbelievably dirty, dark, and altogether suspicious. Even refugee camps look cleaner.

3) no one answers your prolonged knocking and yelling for about 15 consecutive units that are cluttered worse than three landfills.

4) the unit, which had lots of noise inside before, falls silent once you knock and inquire, with that silence stretching.... till there's a click as the door is locked. Yeah, we wouldn't know you just locked the door in our faces right? After all, we're standing just right outside it.

5) the hot, hot, hot, hot, sun.

6) we're not getting paid for this. At all.

7) you make us wait and wait and wait outside your tastelessly ornate and frail-looking gate, under the freaking blasting sun, acting like no one's home when we already saw you scramble behind the sofa through your open front door when you heard the doorbell. Smooth move, jerk.

Sigh.

However, you do get some nice, beautiful(in my eyes, as they were nice to us miserable ppl) friendly ppl, who took the time to let us ask them meaningless and random questions.

Two, a Malay couple with their youngest daughter and an Indian housewife, even invited us in to sit while we did our survey. I cannot express how deeply grateful and thankful I am to those ppl who didn't mind indulging us with a lil' silver of their time.

And I'm also grateful to those who at least answered their door to decline, rather than leave us hanging and hollering outside like demented, hot, sweating hooligans.

See? It doesn't take much to make someone's day a bit nicer.

At one point, we got so desperate, we even interviewed an 8 year old boy, as he was home alone. We stood outside his house gate and quickly asked him. At that point, we were that desperate to finish out allotted 35 slips of questionnaires.

And there was a house with a beagle-like dog who is a damn coward. All bark, no bite. Started barking when we approached the house while the occupant dived behind the sofa. Continued barking in a bored, repetitive way... like it's saying, " Look, since I've nothing better to do, I'll just bark at you once every 3 seconds, you know, just to show that I'm a guard dog, who you know, guards, and... where is my idiot master? *rolls eyes*" All this.... at a distance. XD XD

When we started walking away, it inched closer and came right to the gate, still woofing away of course... and backed away when we turned around. It's like, it must have a specific amount of distance between it and us. We tested it. It backed away, matching every step we took forward with one back. I'm surprised it isn't marigold yellow and the house isn't robbed blind.

Anyways, we finished our allotted slips, along with everyone else... but still have to go again tomorrow because of the irritating, do-by-the-book lecturer assigned to us. She's new, and not growing much in popularity among my group. Fussed so much on our questionnaire.

So, those who read this, thanks. This is one of my rare, long, word-filled posts.

And please, please be nice to those students who come and do house-to-house surveys.

Back Again

Today's the first day of classes.

I'm not so happy about that.

Rather, I'm glad about something else.

Been wanting to slake my 'thirst' for quite some time now.

So, guardian angel of mine...

"How much longer?"

And oh, I finally watched New Moon. At night. (Imagine the ensuing dream I had that night. XD) Dvd, but it stutters slightly on my lappie. It was interesting... Poor Jacob.

He's damn hawt. XD

Whee~



----edit-------------------------------------------
Oooh. Angel, you work fast.

Team Jacob

It's official.

I'm playing on both teams now. :p

And today's a good day.

If a word can make a person's day, what about a whole, beautiful conversation? XD Especially with someone you miss. Sigh.

Thanks, dear. :)